It’s June and no one does housekeeping in June yet today seemed like a good day to sweep out the corners a little.
Days, weeks months and years go by each collecting ‘important’ little trinkets. We stash them away thinking someday I’ll give this to my kids or my best friend. Today was a day to sort through some of those old cobwebs. You’d think living in another dimension would exempt me from that trial, but nooooo. Those of us who have left still have work to do. Some were lucky enough to get a quick return trip, but me…I’ve got more to sort; memories to reexamine, and old fears to face.
Today I opened yet one more box (aka toilet lid) and took a long deep look inside. At first everything was a little swirly and cloudy; lIke looking in a crystal ball. Then the images began to form. Dad, Mom, sisters, roller skating while knitting. My ex-husband Fred. Lord he was mean to me. That time was probably the most difficult for me to deal with. I was so in love and so scared at the same time. He drank a lot….
One night we sat down to a nice dinner of pork chops. It was 6:oo pm–the designated time for dinner–and everything was set just right. He pulled up his chair looked around and then yelled “you expect me to eat this crap without any horseradish”.
My daughter got up and walked out of the house. He asked her where she thought she was going? “Out. I’m not listening to this anymore.”
I didn’t have the courage to do the same.
I wonder why I still need to review these things? After 82 years on earth, you would think all the lessons would have been completed, or at least the old ones reviewed and put away. Examining life is like sweeping the floor. No matter how many brooms you buy there is always something left behind.
I realize now that so much time was given to others who were only looking out for themselves. I let them influence my actions to the point that my daughter’s feelings were cast aside. Her voice wasn’t heard or was dismissed when it was. As the time went by, our relationship changed. In the end we didn’t hug anymore.
I miss touch. I missed it when I was alive, and now it doesn’t exist…at least in the way you know.
It’s hard to concentrate. So many thoughts running through me, through her as she types.
Be clear in what you say and do. Be honest to yourself and to your family.